Discourse

Discourse, as defined my psychology professor, is the "act of engaging in authentic, meaningful conversations." It's when we learn meaningful things about each other. In contrast to "prattle", which is basically the small chitchat we do every day - "Hey how are ya?" "I'm good, how are you?" "Good! Man the weather really sucks today." No shit, it's Rochester.

I want to engage in more discourse with many people in my life. I don't know how exactly that'd happen though? I mean, I really dislike prattling, and I definitely felt weird even back in high school how people do small talks like that. I mean, what if you're actually having a shitty day? Society says you should still reply with a "Good" and move on. Behind the many "Good"s, I wonder how many actually mean it. Is it because we're just so busy with our lives? Or because you think the person wouldn't give a shit or relate at all? Or because we're just too tired from other things in our lives that we cannot speak truthful about our feelings? But isn't discourse what gives you meaningful friendships and relationships in the first place? How do you know when you can engage in such conversations with another person? It takes some guts and trust and faith, I suppose.

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Self evaluation always make me kinda depressed. I mean, there are just so many things yet to be accomplished. My future planning is an absolute mess. My thoughts and feelings are a jam.
I think it's time to admit that I'm actually pretty messed up inside.

Oy... The many things I've messed up.
Can I run away?
Lo siento.

Hooray For Me & Fuck You

I realized that I haven't touched this blog for an entire summer and 1 whole month into the school year. Even blogspot has changed. A lot has happened. Good and bad. I won't bother filling in on those because those who matter already know, and some things can just be left for myself to know. 
I've grown a lot since then, I think? The bad stuff can really push you forward, which I suppose is why there are bad things in your life in the first place.

I'm just particularly saddened by the realization that I cannot afford to be so genuine and open to everyone I meet and deem as my friend any more. I've always been scornful of superficial and hypocritical people, but these past events made me realize, that might be a necessary part of life. When you open yourself up for another, you make youself vulnerable. Vulnerable for back-stabbing, vulnerable for judgment, vulnerable for attacks. I'm just glad that I know for certain that I have a number of closest friends who I can trust and confide in and I know that they care about me as much as I care for them.

Technology brings us closer and apart. And technology has made it possible for cowards to post some malicious shit. Why can't they say it in my face? Well, I suppose the mysteries cannot be solved without more clues, and I'll accept that there's nothing I can really do at the moment. But when I do find out, if I find out, they will seriously regret messing with me. Maybe my breakdown is what you wanted to see in doing that, but I will not let you get that satisfaction again. I'll just be the little fierce Asian and we'll see who laughs till the end.

I had an amazing weekend with friends, especially at Michelle's. Her "Sweetheart Family", as I call it, is possibly the most adorable family I know. The Vespa ride, apple picking, apple pies, her family, the puppy and the bunny, and her all formed a huge fuzzy blanket around me. I hope daddy gets to come for Mel weekend for sure and meet them.

When I came back on campus, I saw Joshie, Alex, Tere, Xica riding in Joshie's car back to home. They backed up to talk to me and Gavin. And that's when I realized I was overwhelmed by a feeling of content. I love them and I love the facts that these are my friends, that they are in my life. Maybe I was just being sentimental over such an awful event had occurred couple days ago, but I was truly happy.

So, cheers to moving on with life.

Summer Time

A good man can stand temptation;

A good woman can stand loneliness.

Love can be simple;

But love cannot be casual.

There's no beautiful angels in this world;

Only ones with a kind heart.

Any two can be together;

Only hearts that cannot be put close to each other.

------

Summer just started.

Honestly, I don't know what to say about the past year.

What to say... Guess I'll just put what I have on my mind right now.

Still don't know about the future. Freaking out inside.

So happy with RICE Crew and its growth and how it made me grow.

I'll really miss a good number of seniors, especially the ones from RICE and GPhi.

Sucks that Gavin's not here for the summer, but I'm still glad that he got the NH job because that's what he wants. He comes back to hang out this coming weekend though!

Don't really know what to do about a person. I've been in his position where I like someone, yet I still don't know what to do with him. I can't return his feelings, but he's still persistent. It sucks.

Beach was really nice. It was freezing when we got there but it warmed up soon after.

I'm so so so happy Michelle's back! I can't wait for our reunion and our parties.

Paul really needs to come back soon because our summer isn't complete without him.

Well that's a big block of words. Sorry >-<

Time to take care of myself and future?

《见与不见》

　　 (仓央嘉措)

　　

　　你见，或者不见我

　　我就在那里

　　不悲不喜

　　

　　你念，或者不念我

　　情就在那里

　　不来不去

　　

　　你爱，或者不爱我

　　爱就在那里

　　不增不减

　　

　　你跟，或者不跟我

　　我的手就在你手里

　　不舍不弃

　　

　　来我的怀里

　　或者

　　让我住进你的心里

　　默然　相爱

　　寂静　欢喜

Food For Thoughts

this morning i was on a MERT stand-by shift for the first time. it was for a karate tournament.

while i was speculating the rules and customs, i had a little light bulb moment.

i noticed that one of them had particularly calloused feet. probably because they have to be barefoot at all times. it reminded me of summer time, when i used to frown at girls wearing flip flops that had dry and gross looking feet.

but there's a chance that it's not because they don't take care of themselves, isn't there? maybe their feet are like because they do karate or gymnastics. why am i so quick to judge?

then i realized, many things are like that.

i can think of many instances which i could have made other people think of me in another way than how i really am.

for example: i could look disinterested, but probably i'm really tired or stressed out.

or i could look super filthy and sloppy, but maybe i just worked out/danced, or maybe i'm on my way to shower!

it also reminds me of this video

so i had a moment of reflection and reminder not to judge others too quickly.

and that felt pretty nice.

---

korean night went really well.

danced like a maniac in the after party. i probably should dance in heels more often? it burns a lot of calories and my thighs hurt a lot right now (good sore though)

also, i really need to work out more.

---

the whole housing thing is getting me really excited for next year!

and i want summer to come already (skipping the weeks of midterms and finals would be nice!) because i can't wait to reunite with michelle, paul, colleen, and possibly seth and chuyi?!

i'm also quite psyched to meet the two emily and emily.

i have a good feeling about next year :)

Some shit

sooo today didn't quite start out well

woke up @6 from suite-mate's alarm, went to her room and asked her to turn it off and make sure it doesn't go off again every hour.

climbed back to bed and tried to sleep, 5 min later, the same alarm ran.

great. so when i was falling asleep last night, you spoke loudly on the phone and played music loudly, and this morning you wake me up with your alarm clock that fails to wake you up.

a few weeks ago, i noticed it ran for the first time, at 3am, i thought you weren't there and just went into your room. except then you woke up and turned it off. and your metronome alarm clock continued to go off every hour without fail. and another day when i was staying up, same thing happened. and i just stuffed my ears with ear plugs.

how do you even manage to do that? i'm half impressed.

---------

i passed the friend who's been giving me cold looks since start of last semester again today.

beginning of this semester i finally wrote her boyfriend an email inquiring what the hell this is about, because had i done something to offend her, i would like to tell her sorry. who wants someone to be angry at them without even knowing where that came from?

the explanation? she thought i gave her "bad vibes".

excuse me? i barely get a chance to talk to you on a daily basis, rarely run into you. i've never talked behind your back. i've never judged you. i've always been friendly. and all of a sudden i gave you bad vibes?

okay so this is a misunderstanding. sure. now that we've cleared that up, it should be normal right?

oh she smiled back when i did, but it was delayed and reluctant, and probably the ugliest smile ever.

seriously, if you still have a problem with me, then just go away.

i made an effort to find out what i've done wrong, and i haven't. so you know what? I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR SHIT ANY MORE OR GIVE A DAMN.

---------

also, i've been meaning to write something about this person for a while.

i've made efforts to hang out, or asked to hang out. you either have something else to do, or forget.

and the only times that you contact me is when you need someone to take your MERT shift.

i still haven't forgotten that you asked me to play violin to accompany your singing for china nite last year. and after i've listened to the song a million times and came up with how to play it since there wasn't a good written music score for it, you decided that you're just gonna use instrumental version of the song.

should i be flattered that you think of me when you need to use someone?

if you are making no efforts at all to be my friend, and on top of that you only use me for your gain, then fuck you too.

---------

sorry that this is just a long entry of angry rant.

but i'm not taking these crap from people around me any more.

and i will start to pretend that they don't exist in my world.

Aw

(except i want two, but minor details)

going to bed last night.

gav said something and i jokingly hit him

sam: i wonder what'd happen to him if he breaks up with you

i was still musing on the idea and it took a couple seconds to realize what gav said:

we'll never find out

ah

i can't put what i felt into words,

but it was something like a warm ray of sunshine

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

felt lots of love from friends and sisters when i was feeling down about the whole big/little thing.

i appreciate it

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

apparently i'm getting a new office?!

the heart research program i'm working for is moving its office to the building across the street, and it's newly renovated. and there's a student office. and since i'm currently the only student employee right now, IT'LL BE MY OFFICE.

awesome.

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

i can't wait for spring break with gavie to d.c.!

i miss everyone and i just get so excited when i plan it. AHHHHHH!!!

I'M GOING BACK HOME! (sorta but still!)

:)

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

in other news (or not really news..): i don't want to do work any more

The Future Freaks Me Out

OH MY GOD I'M GONNA EXPLODE FROM ALL THESE:

1. summer tuition
2. summer rent
3. mcat registration fee
4. med school application fee
5. gpa
6. health committee questionnaire
7. mcat mcat mcat mcat mcat mcat mcat mcat
8. med school med school med school med school med school med school
9. how long it will take me to be financially independent and be able to take care of my parents with my money
10. future in general

*KPOOOMMMMM*

brain destroyed.

RICE Crew Love

It's like a curative drug. Dancing, dancing with RICE members. All the rehearsals and practices all were worthwhile.

When we finished the dance, we walked off stage panting with excitement and huge smiles. It reminded me of those Olympics participants after they finished a great race.

I naively thought that after China Nite I was able to focus on school work. But I was so proud that I obsessively stalked, uploaded all the pictures and videos available.

I can't wait to dance again this Sunday during basketball half-time AND in Radiance's annual show!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, need to study extra hardcore for the next couple days. Really wish Michelle's here to whip me into my previous studious self. (slightly ironic since right now I'm in Human Motivation Psych class) 3 classes have tests on Tuesday, and 1 on Wed. It's gonna be glorious.

Also, recent cute thing: Gav played CS with me in the same server even though he hates that mode of game. <3

Annnnd spring break plan is prob gonna be DC trip with Gav. Eeeee!!! Def a lot cheaper than going to Miami and go on a cruise. For the sake of not starving to death over summer, I think this is a much better plan? Although I feel really bad because I can't help Gav drive... We'll figure something out?

New Year

it's crazy that chinese new year is in two days. it's bizarre. it hasn't been this early in the year for a while. so strange

i somehow don't feel quite excited though. although china nite is coming up and i'll be performing, i still don't feel like i'm in the festive mood at all. guess it's just not the same without being home with my family.

i miss home. i've been so busy after coming back that i barely think about home, except when i was facing campus food for the first couple days. but now the fact that new year's already here just struck me, and i want to be home so desperately.

i don't feel like doing work. don't feel like doing anything much really. i just want to be home right now. being able to see my parents every day, sleeping in my own bed, eating mom and grandma's cooking, watching the stupid celebration tv and laughing together, and watching fireworks from the tiny balcony.

but so what, it's part of studying abroad. kinda have to suck it up and move on.

happy bunny year. let's make it a better year than before.

Some Feelings

it's been quite a long time since i updated at all. sorry guys!
don't particularly want to go over winter break with fam. it was really amazing, but i guess i'm just not ready to really think about home yet.

it's been difficult dealing with the departure of michelle, chuyi, and some gphi sisters. paul's leaving in just a few days too. time really flies by. it kinda scares me. i just don't really like the fact that people i love seeing everyday are all absent from my life right now.

recruitment provoked lots of feelings. i sometimes question things i say to girls that went through recruitment. but i guess, in the end, it is worth it. the girls that i really liked who dropped out completely or end up in another sorority will (hopefully) be happy with their decisions. and if girls who regret dropping out, they can still go over this process again, i guess.

last night i questioned myself. self-confidence took a huge plunge. feeling useless, not being an interesting person, nobody would want me as a big, not motivated enough, people didn't like me enough... i'm just really really glad gav was there for me to just dump it out on him for a little, and jordan being the best big ever and picking me up (and tucking me in). it's what real family does. i'm just glad that i have them here.

feeling a lot better today now. also talked about future with my MCAT teacher, which relieved me a lot on many levels. it's prob very unlikely that i become a surgeon now, since i actually want a family. but right now i think i'm just gonna worry about finding the right med school and getting accepted.

got our gphi babies (you're really not suppose to call them babies any more since some find it degrading, but our pledge class loved that a lot. so i'm just gonna secretly refer to them as babies) tonight!!! they're amazing and i can't wait to get to know them better!

so yeaaaaaah that was a lot of random feelings and updates on my recent life.

i want to give a quick shoutout to MICHELLE b/c i know she's gonna read this tmrw as soon as she wakes up. <3