My Castle

so homesick

so burnt out

want to go back to my castle

and be next to the two people i adore the most

right now

"Well I've never prayed before, tonight I'm on my knees"

It's been 3 days but it's still so hard to wrap my mind around what happened.. It seems as if I was in a really terrible dream.

I can still see her disappearing right in front of my eyes, out of that goddamn door. How ironic, the emergency door was the reason why she's lying in the trauma ICU at this moment.

I can still see her trace of tears. She must have been so painful and helpless. It seemed like it took forever to get the bus to stop, to run to her. As I held her head, pressed on the bleeder, I could feel her blood wetting my hand. It wasn't until at that moment did I truly realize how fragile we really are.
MERT got there, ambulance got there, security got there. I stood there as they took care of her, hands tremoring. We told them what happened, told them what we did. Finally went to UHS, washed my hands. Stared blankly at the dried blood slowly washing down the sink, I felt it was the most surreal thing. It was her blood. Her blood. Her blood from her head that got hit when she fell out of a speeding up bus.
-------
Finally got to see her today. She's still heavily sedated, with all those tubes in her, arms restrained. Her hair's shaved off. I saw the spot where she hit her head. Still looks bloody.

I'm so relieved though, to hear all the positive signs. She woke up once and somehow removed the tube in her mouth. She dropped the f-bomb. She's responsive to the doctors. Such a fighter. I'm glad that she has such a strong family supportive system too. Her dad told me about her waking up. "Her eyes were open, and there I saw the beautiful brown eyes. And I thought, there she is." I almost cried. It's so terrible that they had to get a call like that. They should never come visit their daughter in such circumstances.

It should never have happened. To anyone.
There's no sense into what happened.

All I can tell myself and others is that she's stable now. I should stop second-guessing myself. I helped, a little. She's such a trooper. She will come back, she will sing and play her piano again. She will be next to us again, laughing.

FYI

your hand looking for my hand and holding it when you sleep is probably the most adorable thing ever.

Salt & Pepper

it's so nice,

to have you by my side, falling asleep and waking up next to you, kiss you, hug you, cuddle with you.

i love our awkward Q&As and little talks at night.

being able to tell you what happened was such a relief.

thank you for not judging me and still holding my hands.

i adore you. so so much.

Do You Remember

saw a 3/4/2004 file today at work.
"that's her birthday. that's the last time i was there to celebrate."
and a 9/10/2003 file.
"that's the last birthday i celebrated with both dad and mom."

such a long time ago isn't it.

i still remember, all the memories we share.
as sad, as afraid as i am to finally come to term with this, truth is, you are forgetting me.
since when it became me sending birthday greetings and only three of you remember mine? since when am i the only one sending you random greetings and not the other way around any more?

[wow doesn't this make me sound like such a narcissistic douche.]

but it really does sting, to know that the "we're forever best friends" is becoming something so intangible. the two that i shared the most with only talk to me with one sentence in a few-month interval. those tears, laughters were just a part of a memory that i still relive so often.

i'm actually a little afraid to go home and hang out with all of you. the past 6 years have been way too different, especially the past year. we've all changed. maybe i've changed the most. we just no longer share that strong of a bond any more. and i feel like the silence between us have been eating me away.

funny how bad i'm at letting things go.

there's no "forever" in my dictionary any more.
nothing lasts forever.
how i wish this wasn't true.

Blah!

bio of mental disorder

take home exam 1

makes me want to die

no joke

it's so terrible

my brain is fried by my freakin brain class.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH FRUSTRATION

Mine > Yours?

why do we get to decide if others lives are less important than ours?

this question exploded in my head as i watched him take the little mice from the crates and sedated them, as he secured these little ones on a hook with their teeth, and shot a metal rod at them to create head trauma.

they were so scared, when his hands reached into the crate, they ran around, but could not escape anywhere. he held them and flipped them and sedated them. after a few minutes, they were just lying there, helpless.

as the pressured gun shot at their little heads, a part of me was gone. i desperately watched their body for signs of life, their belly moved as they took short breaths, i could not do anything to stop him, but could only put them back into the crates and hope that they don't die.

---

i know i really shouldn't be this emotional. but they are living things just like we are.

being a science major, a student going into medicine, i can understand that doing this can help us understand how to treat head-trauma, or how the body, the nervous system deals with a trauma as such, but i still feel awful.

why do we get to decide that our lives are so much more important than these animals? we decided that they should sacrafice for our well-being. when do we do anything good to them? what gives us the right to decide that we can take puppies and kitties for pets, but these mice just get to be the tools for scientific research, used and killed?

one day these data maybe will help us treat many more head-trauma patients, but this is at the cost of all these mice.

it's interesting, because human tend to value their own lives more than others, even within the same species. at one point, they thought people of another color were inferior too.

only thing i can tell myself now is that end justifies the means? these little ones' suffering and death will be worth it.

---------

on a completely different note, colleen leaves today to europe! hope she has a blast! i miss her.

Sleep

so true...

i really should sleep now.

i don't know why i keep sleeping late since last week.

BLAH!

this is such a problem.

especially given that i need to go to med center tmrw to meet my new lab director. at 9am.

MCAT classes start this tuesday.

i can already see the end of me.

20

I'm 20 now.
Thing is, I never feel like I'm x age when I turn x years old.
In reality, it's just a day, to celebrate the fact that x years ago my mom went through agony to give me life.
To me, the "happy birthday" posts on Facebook aren't important any more.
It's really a day to appreciate my mom (and dad) more than anything else.

I miss home. I miss the castle my mom and dad built for me, the castle I know that's always there for me.
"Home is the person or home you want to return to over and over."
It costs so much to fly back.
But really, I'd do anything to go home and be with them. That, is priceless.
It's been so long since I was home with both of them for my birthday.

I wonder when, if ever, I can have a birthday with them present.
Wish I could foresee the future back then, when I had my last birthday with both of them. Never knew it'd be so difficult to be with them again.

Not sure why the sudden melancholic feelings haha.

Happy birthday to me

Reminder

i'm sorry to two people in particular.

i'm a reminder of what cause their pain.

one direct, one indirect.

i guess there's always something that remind us of a painful experience, a person, a thing.

i'll try my best to be a reminder of what's worth cherishing.

Spine

it's so hard to stick up for yourself.

i hate hurting other people's feelings. i hate it.

but i'm just so tired of being taken advantage because i'm too nice to say no.

i'm tired of being compromised.

i have legit reasons to be in the single.

i'm sorry i'm not making your current state of mind any less upset.

but i've found my spine.

i'm just gonna write it out to you instead of saying these in your face.

i wish things and feelings are less complicated.

i don't like this.

Wow Really?

1.

I'm seriously annoyed at the people who gossip about me.

Since when do words travel so fast?

But you know what?

It's none of your effing business.

I don't need your judgment and I'm not gonna care what the eff you think about me any more.

Because it's my life, I won't let you judge me to do something different.

Only person who can judge me is me.

I'll stand up for myself and my decisions.

2.

I'm a JUNIOR IN COLLEGE now!

WHAT?!

I'm slightly freaking out and super excited.

I'll actually try to not eff up any more? <-- exciting too ya?

After all the dramas this summer, I'm actually legit very excited for classes to start.

Main goals:

1) good grades

2) be healthy: keep working out + eat breakfast

3) be more social and meet people

Project GREAT Junior Year,

Ready,

Set,

GO!!!

Just Some Words

So instead of packing I'm doing this.

Last time I procrastinate before school starts?

To my dear friends:

To a friend I miss, a guy I hate:

To a few people:

To the person I just hurt:

To all?

To the ones I don't know how to comfort:

And general words of wisdom:

And I guess I'll go back to packing now.

Void-Filler

my big, jordan, is back!!! i finally got to tell her about everything.
i've missed her so so much. it's sooooo good to finally able to update her and hear her italia experience.

she said i'm the void-filler.
i like it

i'm just not okay that they have those voids.
i'd love to fill his void and fill hers too.

let me in

Guilty

he updated his blog.
words of pain. pain cause by me.
"你是我见过的最善良的女孩"
i dont deserve that. because i really am not the kindest girl you've met.
i damaged you so badly and i'll always be sorry for it.

i know it's hard to forget, and it takes a lot of courage to forget,
but please, please move on.
i'm not throwing away our memories. i thank you for those memories. but i just need to archive them somewhere.

i'm guilty, not innocent.
i'm sorry.

Nightmare

it's been a while since i had a nightmare so dreadful that i woke up crying.

i never want to lose you, you and you. not in my dream, not in reality.

it was so real.

i was so scared.

i want you to live for so much longer.

to see me accomplish so much more, to see me walk down the aisle with my happily-ever-after, to see me really grown up.

i can never express how much you mean to me.

don't leave me.

Suerte

it's quite a warm feeling to realize that i have friends who don't judge me
on what i wear, what decisions i make, what a dork i am, what mistakes i've made,
and how addicted i am to my recent guilty pleasure.

so, gracias, mis amigos :]

Oh Hi

new blog.
in english!
woohoo!!
more to come soon