Blah!

bio of mental disorder

take home exam 1

makes me want to die

no joke

it's so terrible

my brain is fried by my freakin brain class.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH FRUSTRATION

Mine > Yours?

why do we get to decide if others lives are less important than ours?

this question exploded in my head as i watched him take the little mice from the crates and sedated them, as he secured these little ones on a hook with their teeth, and shot a metal rod at them to create head trauma.

they were so scared, when his hands reached into the crate, they ran around, but could not escape anywhere. he held them and flipped them and sedated them. after a few minutes, they were just lying there, helpless.

as the pressured gun shot at their little heads, a part of me was gone. i desperately watched their body for signs of life, their belly moved as they took short breaths, i could not do anything to stop him, but could only put them back into the crates and hope that they don't die.

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i know i really shouldn't be this emotional. but they are living things just like we are.

being a science major, a student going into medicine, i can understand that doing this can help us understand how to treat head-trauma, or how the body, the nervous system deals with a trauma as such, but i still feel awful.

why do we get to decide that our lives are so much more important than these animals? we decided that they should sacrafice for our well-being. when do we do anything good to them? what gives us the right to decide that we can take puppies and kitties for pets, but these mice just get to be the tools for scientific research, used and killed?

one day these data maybe will help us treat many more head-trauma patients, but this is at the cost of all these mice.

it's interesting, because human tend to value their own lives more than others, even within the same species. at one point, they thought people of another color were inferior too.

only thing i can tell myself now is that end justifies the means? these little ones' suffering and death will be worth it.

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on a completely different note, colleen leaves today to europe! hope she has a blast! i miss her.

Sleep

so true...

i really should sleep now.

i don't know why i keep sleeping late since last week.

BLAH!

this is such a problem.

especially given that i need to go to med center tmrw to meet my new lab director. at 9am.

MCAT classes start this tuesday.

i can already see the end of me.

20

I'm 20 now.
Thing is, I never feel like I'm x age when I turn x years old.
In reality, it's just a day, to celebrate the fact that x years ago my mom went through agony to give me life.
To me, the "happy birthday" posts on Facebook aren't important any more.
It's really a day to appreciate my mom (and dad) more than anything else.

I miss home. I miss the castle my mom and dad built for me, the castle I know that's always there for me.
"Home is the person or home you want to return to over and over."
It costs so much to fly back.
But really, I'd do anything to go home and be with them. That, is priceless.
It's been so long since I was home with both of them for my birthday.

I wonder when, if ever, I can have a birthday with them present.
Wish I could foresee the future back then, when I had my last birthday with both of them. Never knew it'd be so difficult to be with them again.

Not sure why the sudden melancholic feelings haha.

Happy birthday to me

Reminder

i'm sorry to two people in particular.

i'm a reminder of what cause their pain.

one direct, one indirect.

i guess there's always something that remind us of a painful experience, a person, a thing.

i'll try my best to be a reminder of what's worth cherishing.

Spine

it's so hard to stick up for yourself.

i hate hurting other people's feelings. i hate it.

but i'm just so tired of being taken advantage because i'm too nice to say no.

i'm tired of being compromised.

i have legit reasons to be in the single.

i'm sorry i'm not making your current state of mind any less upset.

but i've found my spine.

i'm just gonna write it out to you instead of saying these in your face.

i wish things and feelings are less complicated.

i don't like this.