Discourse

Discourse, as defined my psychology professor, is the "act of engaging in authentic, meaningful conversations." It's when we learn meaningful things about each other. In contrast to "prattle", which is basically the small chitchat we do every day - "Hey how are ya?" "I'm good, how are you?" "Good! Man the weather really sucks today." No shit, it's Rochester.

I want to engage in more discourse with many people in my life. I don't know how exactly that'd happen though? I mean, I really dislike prattling, and I definitely felt weird even back in high school how people do small talks like that. I mean, what if you're actually having a shitty day? Society says you should still reply with a "Good" and move on. Behind the many "Good"s, I wonder how many actually mean it. Is it because we're just so busy with our lives? Or because you think the person wouldn't give a shit or relate at all? Or because we're just too tired from other things in our lives that we cannot speak truthful about our feelings? But isn't discourse what gives you meaningful friendships and relationships in the first place? How do you know when you can engage in such conversations with another person? It takes some guts and trust and faith, I suppose.

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Self evaluation always make me kinda depressed. I mean, there are just so many things yet to be accomplished. My future planning is an absolute mess. My thoughts and feelings are a jam.
I think it's time to admit that I'm actually pretty messed up inside.

Oy... The many things I've messed up.
Can I run away?
Lo siento.

Hooray For Me & Fuck You

I realized that I haven't touched this blog for an entire summer and 1 whole month into the school year. Even blogspot has changed. A lot has happened. Good and bad. I won't bother filling in on those because those who matter already know, and some things can just be left for myself to know. 
I've grown a lot since then, I think? The bad stuff can really push you forward, which I suppose is why there are bad things in your life in the first place.

I'm just particularly saddened by the realization that I cannot afford to be so genuine and open to everyone I meet and deem as my friend any more. I've always been scornful of superficial and hypocritical people, but these past events made me realize, that might be a necessary part of life. When you open yourself up for another, you make youself vulnerable. Vulnerable for back-stabbing, vulnerable for judgment, vulnerable for attacks. I'm just glad that I know for certain that I have a number of closest friends who I can trust and confide in and I know that they care about me as much as I care for them.

Technology brings us closer and apart. And technology has made it possible for cowards to post some malicious shit. Why can't they say it in my face? Well, I suppose the mysteries cannot be solved without more clues, and I'll accept that there's nothing I can really do at the moment. But when I do find out, if I find out, they will seriously regret messing with me. Maybe my breakdown is what you wanted to see in doing that, but I will not let you get that satisfaction again. I'll just be the little fierce Asian and we'll see who laughs till the end.

I had an amazing weekend with friends, especially at Michelle's. Her "Sweetheart Family", as I call it, is possibly the most adorable family I know. The Vespa ride, apple picking, apple pies, her family, the puppy and the bunny, and her all formed a huge fuzzy blanket around me. I hope daddy gets to come for Mel weekend for sure and meet them.

When I came back on campus, I saw Joshie, Alex, Tere, Xica riding in Joshie's car back to home. They backed up to talk to me and Gavin. And that's when I realized I was overwhelmed by a feeling of content. I love them and I love the facts that these are my friends, that they are in my life. Maybe I was just being sentimental over such an awful event had occurred couple days ago, but I was truly happy.

So, cheers to moving on with life.

Summer Time

A good man can stand temptation;

A good woman can stand loneliness.

Love can be simple;

But love cannot be casual.

There's no beautiful angels in this world;

Only ones with a kind heart.

Any two can be together;

Only hearts that cannot be put close to each other.

------

Summer just started.

Honestly, I don't know what to say about the past year.

What to say... Guess I'll just put what I have on my mind right now.

Still don't know about the future. Freaking out inside.

So happy with RICE Crew and its growth and how it made me grow.

I'll really miss a good number of seniors, especially the ones from RICE and GPhi.

Sucks that Gavin's not here for the summer, but I'm still glad that he got the NH job because that's what he wants. He comes back to hang out this coming weekend though!

Don't really know what to do about a person. I've been in his position where I like someone, yet I still don't know what to do with him. I can't return his feelings, but he's still persistent. It sucks.

Beach was really nice. It was freezing when we got there but it warmed up soon after.

I'm so so so happy Michelle's back! I can't wait for our reunion and our parties.

Paul really needs to come back soon because our summer isn't complete without him.

Well that's a big block of words. Sorry >-<

Time to take care of myself and future?

《见与不见》

　　 (仓央嘉措)

　　

　　你见，或者不见我

　　我就在那里

　　不悲不喜

　　

　　你念，或者不念我

　　情就在那里

　　不来不去

　　

　　你爱，或者不爱我

　　爱就在那里

　　不增不减

　　

　　你跟，或者不跟我

　　我的手就在你手里

　　不舍不弃

　　

　　来我的怀里

　　或者

　　让我住进你的心里

　　默然　相爱

　　寂静　欢喜

Food For Thoughts

this morning i was on a MERT stand-by shift for the first time. it was for a karate tournament.

while i was speculating the rules and customs, i had a little light bulb moment.

i noticed that one of them had particularly calloused feet. probably because they have to be barefoot at all times. it reminded me of summer time, when i used to frown at girls wearing flip flops that had dry and gross looking feet.

but there's a chance that it's not because they don't take care of themselves, isn't there? maybe their feet are like because they do karate or gymnastics. why am i so quick to judge?

then i realized, many things are like that.

i can think of many instances which i could have made other people think of me in another way than how i really am.

for example: i could look disinterested, but probably i'm really tired or stressed out.

or i could look super filthy and sloppy, but maybe i just worked out/danced, or maybe i'm on my way to shower!

it also reminds me of this video

so i had a moment of reflection and reminder not to judge others too quickly.

and that felt pretty nice.

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korean night went really well.

danced like a maniac in the after party. i probably should dance in heels more often? it burns a lot of calories and my thighs hurt a lot right now (good sore though)

also, i really need to work out more.

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the whole housing thing is getting me really excited for next year!

and i want summer to come already (skipping the weeks of midterms and finals would be nice!) because i can't wait to reunite with michelle, paul, colleen, and possibly seth and chuyi?!

i'm also quite psyched to meet the two emily and emily.

i have a good feeling about next year :)